Santa Barbara
75° F
Santa Maria
77° F
San Luis Obispo
76° F
74° F

10 proactive steps to a painless divorce

Published On: Dec 09 2013 10:46:36 AM CST
Updated On: Dec 09 2013 11:48:12 AM CST
Divorce decree, court blurb

By attorney Wendy Newman Glantz, Special to THELAW.TV

Being proactive during your challenging divorce can minimize the emotional chaos in your life and family. By following these 10 proactive steps, you will achieve a more harmonious disengagement. The benefits are less stress, financially and emotionally, as well as the creation of a healthier emotional environment for you and your children.


Take responsibility for the situation that is happening in your life. Realize that somewhere, somehow, you are responsible for the divorce. Do NOT become a victim. Becoming a victim means you are blaming someone or something other than yourself. When you accept responsibility, you become empowered and realize that you are now in control. Your negative thoughts are removed and your emotions are not driving your decisions. You think logically and you begin to make better choices regarding your finances, children, and future. Emotional revenge is a costly pursuit and negatively impacts your children and finances. By taking responsibility, you are in charge of your future destiny.


Forgive yourself now! This is simpler than it sounds. Many times, we get married with unrealistic expectations. We believe that our spouse will enhance our lives and bring endless happiness and self-fulfillment. There are many reasons one chooses to disentangle from one's spouse. If you are the initiator of the divorce or the recipient, just forgive. By forgiving yourself, you will release all emotional guilt. By forgiving your spouse, you allow the healing process to begin. You become emotionally stronger and move forward in your life. The emotional havoc will lessen and your decision making is based on logic and proactive thought.


Recognize and appreciate the positive attributes of your spouse. Realize that if you are asking for spousal and/or child support, your spouse will be responsible for continuing to provide for you and the family. Having appreciation will attract positivity to your challenging process. If you are sharing time with your children, having appreciation for your spouse has a positive effect. They will be more emotionally healthy before, during, and after the process.


You are what you think! Maintaining a positive, healthy attitude will help guide you through this challenging process. Each day, focus your attention on positive aspects of your life. The more you appreciate the positive in your life, the less the potential emotional impact of the divorce process will affect you.


Speaking positively about your spouse and family creates a harmonious environment. If you have personal challenges with your soon to be ex-spouse, do NOT discuss them with your children, especially if they are minors. Be careful to whom you speak about the intimate details of your divorce as those people can easily repeat them and even be called as potential witnesses. Speak positively about yourself and your spouse to friends and family. Remember, word of mouth travels quickly.


It is important that you are familiar with the financial affairs of your marriage. Having an understanding and knowledge of your financial situation is critical. Educate yourself regarding your assets and liabilities. Gather financial information and maintain it in a place of safekeeping. Also, educate yourself on your personal expenses and how much it costs you to maintain your lifestyle. Financial knowledge provides a strong advantage in your divorce.


If you or your children are having emotional challenges, then seek the help of a professional. A mental health professional can assist you and your children to maintain a healthier perspective while going through this process. If you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, seeking assistance can help you. Your attorney is there to provide legal advice and advocate for you. A mental health professional is there to help you deal with your emotions and uncertainty.


A coach can assist you during your transition to being single. First, find out if the coach is certified and has formal training. A coach does NOT provide legal advice. A coach assists in guiding you through the transitional process. The coach can assist you with achieving goals, decision making, and transitioning into single life. Further, a coach can help you handle and prioritize your personal and financial challenges you are facing now.


There are different pathways for you to obtain a divorce. One path is mediation. There are certified mediators who are trained professionals that can facilitate settlement of your divorce. Exploring mediation can reduce emotional and financial costs. It is important to obtain legal advice and be fully aware of your legal rights before proceeding with mediation. It is also wise to have your attorney present during mediation. Another path is collaborative lawyering. This process requires the parties to agree not to have their legal matters heard in court with the attorney they retained. This encourages the process in many instances to be more courteous, causing less emotional drama.


Choosing the right attorney is paramount in minimizing the emotional challenges of your divorce. It is best to meet with more than one attorney before retaining. Educate yourself about the law and the style your attorney practices. Is your attorney an aggressive litigator or negotiator? Does your attorney primarily handle family law cases? Developing a positive rapport with your attorney is important. Find out if they are in favor of mediation and/or collaborative lawyering. Explore with them your options and what is most favorable in your situation.

The author, Wendy Newman Glantz, is a Plantation, Fla., family lawyer.


The views expressed are not those of this company or its affiliated companies. Please note by clicking on "Post" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms Of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. 
blog comments powered by Disqus
  • Body of Isaiah Sanchez Recovered at Cachuma Lake

    Santa Barbara County sheriff rescue crews have found a body near the place where Isaiah Sanchez went missing.

  • Ellwood Fire

    Explosion at Goleta Apartment Complex Leaves One Man Hospitalized

    Santa Barbara County Fire crews responded to an explosion and fire at an apartment complex on 447 Ellwood Drive in Goleta.   Fire officials received the call at around 7:00 p.m. One person was injured and taken to the hospital with severe burns.  The apartment manager helped put out a small fire that broke out after the blast. The explosion and fire are still under investigation.  The fire did not spread to any adjoining apartments.

  • Santa Paula Reserve Police Officer Resigns After Posting Video About Bicyclists

    Volunteer posted a YouTube video joking about running over bicyclists.

  • Juvenile Hall Court to Host Gang-related Murder Trial

    The so-called "U-Haul murder trial" is expected to be another high security, gang-related trial that requires extra time and money to make it work at the Santa Barbara County Juvenile Hall courtroom which is seen as the most practical venue.

  • What You Need to Know Before Accepting an Ice Challenge

    It's a challenge that has gone viral. It's known as "The Cold Water Challenge," but could this latest trend be harmful to your health?

  • inspection_report_public_health_notice

    Health Inspectors Look Into Restaurant Bug

    Old Town Mexican Café in Old Orcutt has never failed an inspection in the past according to the Santa Barbara County Environmental Health Services Department. On satruday several diners spotted bugs at the restaurant

  • New Family Friendly Tasting Room Opens in Solvang

     A new winery in Solvang recently opened their doors, and they are making their tasting room open to everyone.

  • dangerous dogs

    Orcutt Family Starts Petition to Change County Ordinance

    An Orcutt family is fighting to keep their dogs from being euthanized, and is now trying to change a county ordinance on aggressive dogs. The family has an online petition spreading their message on the internet in an effort to get the Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisor's attention.

    Peggy Henning remembers the day her family welcomed Daisy and Duke into their family like it was yesterday.

    "They immediately just became part of the family," said Henning. "They were very friendly with all the guests we had coming over."

    But things changed when Daisy and Duke got loose. They liked chasing cats.

    "Dogs are pack animals and that is their default instinct," said Henning. "If they are bonded or litter mates, it intensifies that. They would get out of the confines of our house or yard and this instinct would come to the surface."

  • Slideshow: Rescue Crews Find Body In Cachuma Lake

    Santa Barbara County sheriff rescue crews have found a body near the place where Isaiah Sanchez went missing.

  • Slideshow: Blondes VS Brunettes Charity Football Game

    A charity football game at the Polo fields in Carpinteria pits the Blondes vs Brunettes. The all-women football teams duked it out on Saturday to raise funds for the Alzheimer's Association. Both teams fought fiercely but in the end, only one came out the victor.

    Photography by Oscar Flores.